Too many things had happened.
This sure has been a busy year for interpersonal relationships and personal relationships, a.k.a. the dynamics between me, myself, and I.29 on 29
One of the reasons why this year is particularly special is because I would never experience being 29 on the 29th again. And boy has this year been a merry one *squints*Every aspect of human life came out to play. Maybe it's an occupational disease that starts to affect this humble junior employee, I realized I have polished pattern recognition skills in general, for better or for worse.
You shouldn’t steal, because reasons. And yet there are people whose jobs are professional thieves. You shouldn’t kill, because reasons. Yet there are professional murderers, contract killers, assassins. I’m not saying that we have to normalize them; rules exist also for a reason, and one of the main reasons is that in order to live in a society—which we as humans crave—we have to have rules so everyone can behave in a controllable and predictable manner. When we detach emotions from an act, we can see things for what they are: that everything, no matter how absurd, has trigger(s), and trigger has origins.
Becoming
Mid-year, I felt like I was floating, not touching the ground. Bundles of energy that don't know where to go. No matter how much I enjoy solitude, there is always a tiny crack on a corner somewhere where loneliness creatures creep in. One of my decade-long friendships feels distant; everyone’s busy, and I had a fight with one of them. We have reconciled and are in a better understanding of each other right now. I swear a friendship breakup was like swallowing hundreds of small fishbones.
That energy (I don’t know what else to call it) kept going in circles, about to burst. I felt restless. The drive was strong enough to catapult me into trying lots of new things because I was getting impatient if this energy didn't get released anywhere in any form. I then learned what suffocates versus energizes me. We can't force feelings. I have accepted my need for a low-maintenance partnership where I won't need to shrink myself to complement someone else.
One day I asked friends to hang out because I missed them. One was still on a different island, one will go back to their hometown, and one was on pilgrimage. Eventually made plans—brunch, karaoke, and watch F1 at a nearby cinema—then one got ordered by their boss to stand by on weekends, and another one's work meeting was rescheduled to our hangout day. I remembered laughing, knowing the plan had unfolded under adulthood; it was both sad and silly.
Then October came. I woke up feeling that day would be good. There was a lingering, soft, subtle sense of accomplishment and a dash of self-confidence. After a satisfying DIY of a wooden kitchen shelf, I cleaned up my place. Did laundry, washed all the dishes, mopped the floor, scrubbed the bathroom, washed my hair. Went to have a sleepover with old friends. We played cards, watched movies, gossiped, got street food—the good stuff of an introvert's party. I managed to do grocery shopping, bought veggies, all the comics I purchased had arrived, unboxed everything, folded my clothes. Bought a trifold mattress, not an A+, but it's a neat A/B. Simple things that make me happy.
I feel faint peace in my everyday life, but along comes dullness. It makes me think how we are all weak and powerless against attention and validation. Even with decent self-awareness, it's not enough, it's leaking. I don’t know if I want more or if I actually need more, but knowing that “more” is required feels miserable. I know I’m being hard on myself; I’m still human. At this point, it feels like a defeat. I don’t see myself as an enemy to be conquered; however, it somehow pissed me off at least a little that even after befriending my inner demon, even us together can’t fight something more primal.
Work
My training program is quite dense. By now, I am near-qualified for the PHL scheme, half-baked for six schemes, and barely scratch the surface of two other schemes. I have lots of reading and practice to catch up with senior auditors; what they have gained through experience in marathon pace, I gotta speedrun. Doraemon's memorizing bread sounds really tempting. It's been both fun and challenging.
Indonesia had just released Presidential Regulation (Perpres) No. 110/2025 on the Carbon Economic Value and submitted Second Nationally Determined Contribution (NDC) to the UN, outlining emission targets for 2031-2035. Everyone in the Indonesia GHG playing fields will up the ante next year. I think we need to escalate the transition to renewable energy, but in the current political climate, who knows.
On reading
Past the muddy and whimsical third-quarter of the year, my passion for reading has surged back rapidly. I continue reading comics that have been stalled for years, among them are Black Butler, The Ravages of Time (by the name of everything that is holy, how come I forgot its incredible art), Übel Blatt II (!!!), Family! (a shojo way ahead of its time), finished My Hero Academia, and caught up to latest chapter of One Piece (God Valley arc). Currently pondering picking up Detective Conan, I paused it around volume 65 back in uni.
I have a hard time holding back tears every time I look at how my Glass Mask and Giant Killing collection is almost complete (still hunting a few volumes).I also have been clearing my to-read articles backlog one by one. As for books, I have no excuse… the to-read list is increasing faster than my attempt at reading any of it. Hopefully, I can finish at least one of them before the year ends.
Comments
Post a Comment