What I'm doing now
A status update every sometimes. /now pages are inspired by Derek Sivers.
Last updated: 10 November 2025
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Too many things had happened.
This sure has been a busy year for interpersonal relationships and intrapersonal relationships—a.k.a. the dynamics between me, myself, and I.
29 on 29
One of the reasons why this year is particularly special is because I would never experience being 29 on the 29th again. And boy has this year been a merry one *squints*Every aspect of human life came out to play. Maybe it's an occupational disease that starts to affect this humble junior employee, I realized I have polished pattern recognition skills in general, for better or for worse.
You shouldn’t steal, because reasons. And yet there are people whose jobs are professional thieves. You shouldn’t kill, because reasons. Yet there are professional murderers, contract killers, assassins. I’m not saying that we have to normalize them; rules exist also for a reason, and one of the main reasons is that in order to live in a society—which we as humans crave—we have to have rules so everyone can behave in a controllable and predictable manner. When we detach emotions from an act, we can see things for what they are: that everything, no matter how absurd, has trigger(s), and trigger has origins.
Becoming
Mid-year,
I felt like I was floating, not touching the ground. Bundles of energy
that didn't know where to go. No matter how much I enjoy solitude, there
is always a tiny crack on a corner somewhere where creatures of loneliness creep in. One of my decade-long friendships feels distant; everyone’s
busy, and I had a fight with one of them. We have reconciled and are in a
better understanding of each other right now. I swear a friendship
breakup was like swallowing hundreds of small fishbones.
That
energy (I don’t know what else to call it) kept going in circles, about
to burst. I felt restless. The drive was strong enough to catapult me
into trying lots of new things because I was getting impatient that this
energy didn't get released anywhere in any form. I then learned what
suffocates versus energizes me. We can't force feelings. I have accepted
my need for a low-maintenance partnership where I won't need to shrink
myself to complement someone else.
One day I asked friends to
hang out because I missed them. One was still on a different island, one
will go back to their hometown, and one was on pilgrimage. Eventually
made plans—brunch, karaoke, and watch F1 at a nearby cinema—then one got
ordered by their boss to stand by on weekends, and another one's work
meeting was rescheduled to our hangout day. I remembered laughing,
knowing the plan had folded under adult responsibilities; it was both sad and
silly.
Then October came. I woke up feeling that day would be
good. There was a lingering, soft, subtle sense of accomplishment and a
dash of self-confidence. After a satisfying DIY of a wooden kitchen
shelf, I cleaned up my place. Did laundry, washed all the dishes, mopped
the floor, scrubbed the bathroom, washed my hair. Went to have a
sleepover with old friends. We played cards, watched movies, gossiped,
got street food—the good stuff of an introvert's party. I managed to do
grocery shopping, bought veggies, all the comics I purchased had
arrived, unboxed everything, folded my clothes. Bought a trifold
mattress, not an A+, but it's a neat A/B. Simple things that make me
happy.
Now I feel faint peace in my mundane daily life, but along comes
dullness. It makes me think how we are all weak and powerless against
attention and validation. Even with decent self-awareness, it's not
enough, it's leaking. I don’t know if I want more or if I actually need
more, but knowing that “more” is required feels miserable. I know I’m
being hard on myself; I’m still human. At this point, it feels like a
defeat. I don’t see myself as an enemy to be conquered; however, it
somehow pissed me off at least a little that even after befriending my
inner demon, even us together can’t fight something more primal.
Work
My training program is quite dense. By now, I am near-qualified for the PHL scheme, half-baked for six schemes, and barely scratch the surface of two other schemes. I have lots of reading and practice to catch up with senior auditors; what they have gained through experience in marathon pace, I gotta speedrun. Doraemon's memorizing bread sounds really tempting. It's been both fun and challenging.
Indonesia had just released Presidential Regulation (Perpres) No. 110/2025 on the Carbon Economic Value and submitted Second Nationally Determined Contribution (NDC) to the UN, outlining emission targets for 2031-2035. Everyone in the Indonesia GHG playing fields will up the ante next year. I think we need to escalate the transition to renewable energy, but in the current political climate, who knows.
On reading
Past the muddy and whimsical third-quarter of the year, my passion for reading has surged back rapidly. I continue reading comics that have been stalled for years, among them are Black Butler (very slow release), The Ravages of Time (by the name of everything that is holy, how come I forgot its incredible art), Übel Blatt II (I didn't know there is a sequel!), Family! (a shojo way ahead of its time), finished My Hero Academia, and caught up to latest chapter of One Piece (God Valley arc). Currently pondering picking up Detective Conan, I paused it around volume 65 back in uni.
I have a hard time holding back tears every time I look at how my Glass Mask and Giant Killing collection is almost complete (still hunting a few volumes).
I also have been clearing my to-read articles backlog one by one. As for books, I have no excuse… the to-read list is increasing faster than my attempt at reading any of it. Hopefully, I can finish at least one of them before the year ends.
🌻